INFJ relationships are rare to come by. First because INFJ types are rare. Second because INFJs tend to be very protective of their inner core. When they allow that special someone in, that person has access to everything that is the essence of them.
In other words, INFJs don’t have “relationships” with the one they love. They have mates… i.e. life partners. When INFJs truly love someone, they love that person all the way to the end of their lives and possibly even beyond. So when things come to an end, as they have a tendency to do, INFJs get wounded to their core.
And this raw gaping wound in their soul can last a long time. It takes years for an INFJ to recover from a soul wound. On the surface, it may seem that life has returned to normal after awhile. But on the inside, the INFJ is still reflecting over the events, decisions, words and actions that have taken place during the relationship.
So how does an INFJ actually recover from this soul wound and heal themselves?
Your typical breakup advice doesn’t really work with INFJs. I think it’s mostly because INFJs are so rare that no case studies or relationship work has been done with them. What you get in advice for the masses applies to that… the masses.
INFJ Relationship – Being On The Receiving End
I refer to INFJ relationships that end because of a breakup caused by the other party. Why? If an INFJ has already made a decision to move on from a relationship, they would already have started the process of disassociating important parts of themselves from the relationship.
They would have understood why certain aspects just wouldn’t work and come to peace with letting that part go. So part by part, an INFJ would ease out of a relationship in the softest manner possible. They do this to allow time and social conditioning of their partner to get used to life without them.
When an INFJ wants to move on from a relationship from someone they still care about (but don’t want to spend the rest of their life with), they do their best to minimize the pain and hurt that may result from the breakup. They will do it in ways that are so subtle, you never really notice they are moving on until you are already used to living without their conscious presence.
Of course if you were paying attention to the relationship in the first place, it’s less likely that an INFJ would consider moving on unless the two of you are truly incompatible.
But when it comes to the other party initiating a breakup with an INFJ on the receiving end, I doubt that most other types give the same type of consideration. The motto of the faster the better usually applies. The “it is better to hurt them now rather than prolong the agony” is the typical advice given for initiating breakups.
So for INFJs whose core have been left vulnerable and exposed, it’s literally stabbing a red hot knife into their entrails, twisting it and slowly carving their heart out type of soul agony. The pain and hurt resonates for years even after the breakup. It’s a metaphysical reaching into their chest with your hand and yanking their heart out while it’s still beating.
And since most INFJs keep their inner circle to a limited number of people, it’s unlikely you’ll see them out partying and socializing as part of their healing process. On rare occasions when they need to get out of their minds, yes, they may need an outlet to just distract them. But as a rule of thumb, INFJs will spend their solitary moments coming to terms with whatever happened.
Obtaining Closure In INFJ Relationships
There are some key points that I wish to share here. I think most INFJs and spiritually aware people will understand this. When it comes to understanding universal spirit, it helps to know that everyone that lives on this planet comes from the same soul source. We are like little drops of water that are separated from the ocean, each an individual with their own perspective, personality and character. But yet we are all made from the same substance.
A lot of the experiences that we have on this planet relate to this planet. When we move on after death, life and values are much different on the other side. Physical things and earthly desires start to pale because they have no “value” when everything exists at the metaphysical level.
The thing is when you love someone, you love someone. You just do. You may never live your life with the person that you love, but it is good enough to know that because of love you need to set them free. Even if it hurts like ten thousand demons are rampaging through your soul having a wild malevolent party eating your heart out one bite at a time.
When it comes to letting go, for most INFJs who reach their spiritual maturity, the value of “the Highest Good of All Concerned” is the dominant factor. And this is the principle that you need to hold onto as you begin the process of finding closure.
INFJ Relationships – Actual Exercise For Finding Closure
Ok, this may seem like I’m piling it on in the pain and hurt department. But it also depends on where you are in your recovery stage and the reasons why things ended.
When you understand that the Highest Power is Unconditional Love, you might understand the reasons behind why you might want to try this.
Take out your journal, your private sacrosanct place. This exercise will help you bring a sense of completion and allow you to move on a little easier.
What you are going to do is to create a life for yourself in one of your inner worlds with your ex-partner. Since I am a guy, I’ll be writing this from a male INFJ perspective. If you’re female, just use the female perspective to create your own inner world, ok?
What You Are Going To Do…
You’re going to live a complete life from beginning to end with the person that you love. Begin from the beginning or a comfortable place where things were still good between the two of you. If you were single and dating at that time, then start from that point. If you were married, then start from a place where things were still going great in the marriage.
I’ll start from the where you are a single in a relationship.
The next few paragraphs are about re-creating the relationship into the form of memories, so the language I use may seem to imply that events have already happened. It is an exercise in creating possibilities in your inner world to find closure in your heart and mind.
And so we begin…
Remember the first time the two of you met. The initial flutter, nervousness and gathering of courage that you needed to make the first approach. You were hoping that she responds in kind, but you never know for sure what her reaction is going to be. So when she replies, the dance begins.
Remember how the two of you start to talk and hang out a little. Remember the fun, laughter and joy the two of you enjoyed. Remember the sharing of intimate details and soul secrets that you would only share with your life partner. Remember the times that you spent together in the sunshine and the moments that only two of you will ever know.
Remember the best and the worst of her. Remember how you loved the best parts of her and remember how the two of you went through the worst parts together. Revisit the times that the two of you fought… and create a resolution that satisfies the both of you.
Imagine how you went through picking that engagement ring knowing what you know about her. You’re hoping that she will accept what you can offer, even if you know that she deserves better than whatever you could possibly hope to offer.
Imagine your proposal to her and asking for her hand in marriage. Imagine her delight, laughter and joy as you went to one knee and offered her the ring. Remember the sparkling light in her eyes when she said yes. Remember how your heart leapt and throbbed when she smiled with tears in her eyes as she accepted the ring on her finger.
Go through the planning of the wedding. The picking of the bridal gown, the long waits in the shops as she tried on dress after dress to find the one she finally loved. The discussion of details about who to invite to the wedding, what kind of entertainment to be had, and what the set-up would be like.
Imagine the day finally arriving, when you were ready to receive her at the altar. Feel the nervousness and anxiety that pounds at your heart as you wait for her to make her entrance.
Remember how your heart lifted in hope when the church doors started to open and the rapt silence that befell your soul when she finally stepped through.
You wonder why someone as beautiful and wonderful as her would ever marry someone like you. And then you stop questioning and accept the blessing that life has so generously offered you, because you know you will gladly spend the rest of your life making it up to her.
Imagine your honeymoon. Remember the fun and laughter that you shared when the two of you travelled to your favourite destinations. Oh how the both of you enjoyed the sun, the sand and the surf. Remember the intimate candlelight dinners and soft music playing in the background as the two of you speak softly in the lush darkness of the day.
Remember the moments when the two of you made love. Fall into the soft, sensual and romantic encounters. Feel the passion of the hard and aggressive moments. Feel the sharing of physical pleasures that spill out into the intimate surroundings of your lovemaking. Remember the teasing and building up of pleasurable intensity, keeping her on the edge until her cries fill your ears and her climax satisfies your soul.
Remember the languid moments after as you rest in each other’s arms, limbs tangled amid passion-wrecked blankets. Remember the moments of physical and soul connection as the two of your drift into blissful sleep.
Remember the re-entry into society and working life after your honeymoon. The tough times the two of you go through together as you seek to establish yourselves into a new life routine. Imagine going through hard moments of life together as both of you meet with obstacles in work, family and life. Remember how the two of you fought and disagreed with one another.
But always remember how the two of you came back together and worked it out.
And for the tough times you went through together, the relationship became stronger and the foundations became surer. Because you know that regardless of what life throws your way, you will be there for her as much as she will always be there for you.
Remember the first news of her pregnancy. Feel your heart leap with joy and then the worry that comes over the health of both her and your child. Feel the kind patience of your soul as she snaps at you over the fussing as you do your best to wrap her in cotton wool until the baby is born.
Remember the times when you went to classes with her in preparation for the birth of your child.
Remember how your heart stopped the day her water broke.
The rush to the hospital was controlled frenzy. Take part in the craziness of the birthing process and finally hold your child in your arms. Feel the quiet joy and pride that both of you shared as you held your baby in your arms.
Remember the times when you woke up in the night to soothe your baby. Remember the tiredness and her kicking you out of bed to change the baby’s diapers. Remember the moments that the two of you spent watching your child grow up.
Remember how the two of you talked late into the nights about what kind of person you would like your child to be, and how much you loved each other still over the years. A love for each other that is separate from your child, yet encompassing your baby in your world.
As you continue to imagine and create a life together with the person you love, always hold to the principle that the two of you worked things out and came to love each other more. Even when your thoughts want to derail and go into dark moments, always find a way back to making things right.
This is… after all…. your inner world of imagination. You are the creator and participant in this experience of life. This is where you get the chance to finally live out a life together with the one you love.
Create a life together all the way to the end. A life that is real with its ups and downs, its moments of joy and its moments of sadness. Create a life that encompasses the important things to you. Watching your children grow up into fine adults, the life the two of you shared and the years when you realized that the both of you were getting older.
Imagine the time when you finally made peace with going through death’s door and getting ready to meet each other again on the other side. Imagine how your life would have been if the two of you got the chance to live with the best of each other.
Finally, make peace with yourself that you have already lived a life with the one you love. In another world, in another time, perhaps all this would have taken place. But the truth is… it did.
It took place in your inner world. You got a chance to live out a full and complete life together. You got to experience the best of each other. You got to experience the worst of each other and yet made it through.
You have already lived a life with the one you love.
And now that you have, let go of the need to have that person in your life. Allow the one that you love to go free. To experience the journey and life’s lessons that she (or he) needs in their journey. Know that you do so because you have already lived the life you wanted. Let go because of the love you have for their soul and their journey in this life.
And when you have made peace within your heart and soothed the cry of your soul, you can continue with your own journey in this world. You know that you have already lived a thousand lifetimes in the deepest depths of your heart and this is but another path to walk.